Not a speck of light is showing;

Well....,

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:36:32 GMT

That apartment/cottage was a fucking bust.
We called approx 5 times that Wednesday, and filled out our applications.
Then, Thursday, Jonathan called in the morning. & they informed us that the fucking cottage lease was signed on that same Wednesday we called 5 times.
So fuck that.

We are re-in love with a new one. It's in an attic of a house on Cooper Avenue downtown. The landlady is sososo nice and I hope hope hope we get it. We are about 1/8 people trying to get it, though... but I felt a connection with her. She seemed interested in selling it to me... and her grandson's name is Jonathan. He was a junior in college and dropped out this year!
Jonathan almost cried @ me this morning. His job is beating him down. It hurts me for him...

Perfect.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:40:30 GMT

I'm so happy. :D
We got a gooood amount of money from Libby for the apartment fund, and think we've found a perfect one:
cosprings.craigslist.org/apa/1438988804.html

And!!
JcPenny's hired my stupid self!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, perfection! For the holidays, but the highest manager told me that if we do a very good job with customer service and showing up on time, they'll re-hire me for part-time work.
WHICH IS PERFECT.
& with this job, I can pay for some of the rent, and we can live very, very comfortably. :D
Wonderful.
Perfect.
Amazing.
♥ !!!!!!!!

A song... ?

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 22:39:10 GMT

Let's see...

Fever reduction in the ibuprofen,
A simple crack under my feet.
May cause drowsiness, alcohol may intensify,
A word slurred,
unintentionally understood.

Four, five, seven, nine, twelve.
I dare you to keep track.
Thank you for sharing.

Shining too bright in the sun,
I can't be outside.
The cool breeze opens my eyes.
Why can't we all hide
behind darker eyelashes?

I wish he could see.
Outside all day.
Blind, blind, blind.

Pop, and convince yourself they work.
Lock, pain is all in your own thoughts.
Drop, you are just a clumsy man.

Four, five, seven, nine, twelve.
I dare you to keep track.
Thank you for sharing.

And I can't help but be oblivious.
I won't stop myself from being aware.
You are obvious and obnoxious.
Swaying, swaying,
pulling your wounded arm over.
As if, if only, it could protect you from yourself.

Four, five, seven, nine, twelve.
If you can continue to keep track,
than I just haven't taken enough, yet.
Thank you for sharing.

Laugh.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 23:47:01 GMT

Dear Sir,

I am unable to attend class this evening, for I seem to have lost my head; Not my mind, silly!
My head seems to have lit'rly rolled off my shoulders!
It's a nicer way of living, though, so far, anyway...
Everyone expects less of you, and leaves you alone.
I feel okay, even though they think I'm not.
I don't have to see anyone, hear anyone, talk to anyone, or smell anything.
It feels better, because I have a lot less stress.
I am not confined to do what I was asked to do.
Which reminds me, more or less, how are you?
I know most people do not mean that as they ask it...
But I actually do!
For I haven't a care in my world.
I still have the same body, frightening old men still whistle as I walk.
I have lost my head, but not my mind, silly.
I can't hear them, but I know they are alone, as well.
But anyway, I will see you in class around next week... because they tell me I must have the horrible thing to go on with life.
Even though I feel the best I've ever felt; compared to every drug I've taken medically.
Or maybe I will just skip town and take my horrid self to the ocean and live there with the fish and whales and dolphins.
I am sure they would not embarrass or harass me based on the fact that I have no head.
Technically, they don't even have necks!

Your loyal student,
Rosemarry Jenkins.

ps. I still have to bring Cece her stupid stuff.
I'm angry about it... as I have no idea why.

Yes.

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 17:35:16 GMT

I feel right.
This feels very, very right.
<33

It's almost frightening how happy I am.
Cece can suck it & so can everyone who doesn't care about the good of us.
Because that's what we have become now.

"I feel so lucky, so blessed."
& I do too, baby.
I love you :]

The egg exploded on me!

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:56:54 GMT

So basically, we've been coming to a realization that we have to move out. This was moved ahead by my mom and dad being jerks and my mom telling me Jonathan & I only have 2 more months to be happy together left. It freaked me out. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to listen to my mom about relationship advice.
That's obviously what friends are for, because they do in fact know more than she does about our relationship. I am still in love. I am still happy. I still get happy to see him, despite what he thinks.
Torey came over the night before last. Consequently, the night before last, I cried more than I ever have in front of Jonathan, because of Jonathan. He was being mean to me, ignoring me while I was trying to cook us dinner. It broke my heart. I asked him why he was being so mean to me. He explained [which my mom informed me as being extremely rare in a man] why he felt the way he did - apparently Torey made him feel old, stupid, and untalented. It shocked me. I was all over him when Torey was over. And not only because I was definitely buzzed.
But I know I really cried a lot and said the things I said because I was drunk. I told Jonathan "God I love you" which I've been wanting to tell him for so long. I told him he's my favorite person in the world, and I always can't wait to see him. He thinks I was more excited to see Torey than I've ever been to see him. He told me he's boring & I never have fun with him like I was having fun with Torey... but it's just not true! I loved hiking with him the other day. I've never ever had that much fun hiking with anyone before in my life.
We climbed that mountain, despite what I thought my body could actually do. It was so fucking perfect. It sprinkled for like 5 minutes after we got to the top, and didn't rain again. It was beautiful. He smoked, and I watched. We took pictures. We talked. We were so perfect. It felt so wonderful. God I loved it. I can't believe he couldn't see that!
I felt so bad that I didn't message Torey back on myspace after we dropped him off.
Last night was amazing. We got in the hot tub when I got back from orchestra class, and Jonathan and I felt better together. Even though I am getting a cold sore, and I'm on my period, we are still affectionate. I love how he respects me, and treats me the way every girl deserves to be. I love how he lets me do what I want. I love how he encourages me. I love how he is so quiet in the morning, unless I engage him. I love how he lets me fall asleep. I love how he hugs me. I love how he holds me at night. I love how his favorite thing to do is cuddle and watch movies. I love that he squeezes my fat rolls, even though it hurts sometimes. I love how he loves me. I love how we take baths together and he still calls them showers. I love how I can't pee in front of him, but he can pee in front of me. I love how he calls me when he's at work. I love how I can see him at work. I love how he hates his job, but he goes because he knows to take care of us. I love how I love to listen to him. I don't know how he felt that way the other night. He told me the morning after that he promised he'd never be mean to me again. I told him he can't promise that! He said he'd try anyway. He's so perfect. We'll definitely be together after two months. My mom was just trying to get a rise out of me.
She did, anyway. I smacked the hell out of the wall with my right hand, and it's still all sore and feels broken almost. And I kicked a hole in the wall. Of course. But not with my foot, with my heel, so it's smaller.

Anyway. I'm happy. I'm very, very happy.
& every single apartment in our price range has a WALK IN CLOSET! I'm so excited, because right now... there's almost 0 room for both of our clothes. It's horrific. Plus Jonathan has so many more bags of clothes. & I have one out there that I took out of my room to make room for his. So I'm very satisfied. He keeps taking Overtime, so we'll probably even be good to move out by next month... but I let him make that decision. It is his money. He keeps trying to make me happy with it. It's not what makes me happy. He knows that now. This morning he texted and asked "say, what kind of burrito do you want from chipotle?" It made me smile so much. I said veggie. He texted me after I told him that I missed a BUNCH of english hw and he said "Lame im on break doing good thus far cant wait 4 2night i get to be with my sweetie and eat yummy say I want to try and jam with Torey again so dl what i said" :]
Which also proves I know what's best for him. I feel so responsible. I love the way he makes me feel all the time. I feel like a woman.
<3

ps. this is all brought to you by optimism!!!! isn't that right, miss kayde? :D
pss. I emailed cece. I said ''cecelia, i miss you very much. i hope you are doing well. love, connie'' she emailed back not two hours from that and said ''you shouldnt have accused me of stealing from you then'' ugh. I don't remember what i said back, but i don't care that much. jonathan's right, except not about the be friends with her again part. I just needed closure. And I feel better... I just hope she's not with mikey. but a little part of me wishes she is, and knows she definitely will be...

Memoir, English 121.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:07:39 GMT

Crash.

That day, we all reunited at my pleasant 3-bedroom house on Colonial Drive was so perfect. We had just driven home from Silver City, New Mexico, without my dad the summer of 2006. He was recovering from visiting his mom, our grandma, in the hospital of Albuquerque. He had been home alone all week.

I remember that the sun was right in the middle of the sky. Even with my mom’s over-sized, 80s sunglasses on, I had to squint. My dad’s truck was in the driveway, so we had to park by the curb. All our neighbors and their kids were playing anything they wanted to play outside in the street. We drug our complete collection of luggage and managed to get it into our rooms. My mom and I came back outside to bring the road trip necessities (blankets, pillows, an excess of potato chip bags as well as empty, half-full, unopened plastic bottles) inside to decide what to do with.

I looked towards the garage door, after grabbing a Diet Pepsi can from its cup holder in the front seat, and noticed the can was open. After walking to the open garage door, I asked my dad and brother what was going on in there. Had I waited to ask, I would have seen, quite obviously, that both of their dirt bikes were sitting in the middle of the garage, facing the opening of the garage and the street. My dad explained, slowly but surely, that Robbie really wanted to ride. Robbie’s bike was on and warming up while Rob looked for his helmet. I laughed out loud. It is illegal to ride dirt bikes on the street, but my dad and brother had been doing it a lot around that time.

I walked up the stairs, smelling the sugary smell of gasoline and close to deaf by the bikes’ engines. Upon entering the dining room, I told my mom what they were doing. She laughed and said she’d go watch them. I threw the empty can in the recycle bin under the sink.

I opened the window in my room and began to unpack my clothes to music coming from my CD player’s speakers (because everything gets done faster with music in my ears). I could hear a dirt bike drive up the street. The noise quickly faded. I Smiled, thinking, “Oh, I just love my family.”

I didn’t hear the motorcycle sound ever again after that day. I saw a neighborhood boy named Seth run up the street, 34 seconds into the first song. He stopped running abruptly in straight alignment of my window, pointing up the street and frantically screaming, “They crashed!” His eyes were so big that I could see them from my room.

I don’t know how long it took to strike me, but I do remember that I didn’t turn off my CD player or grab my shoes. I had socks on. I ran to the sidewalk, slamming the front door open and skipping down the stairs in front of the enormous tree in our front yard.

When I looked up the street, I heard Robbie’s terrified voice screaming inaudible nonsense. I saw my dad’s motorcycle lying sideways but still on and spitting in the middle of the street about six houses up. Robbie and my dad were about twelve houses up.

Immediately, I flew to them. I will never forget how quickly I ran. I could never run like that again if I tried. I forgot all about my feet and by the time I got up there I realized they were bleeding through the shredded heels in the socks.

Robbie was standing next to my dad on the curb by his head. My dad was laying face down in about three gallons of brilliant red, runny stuff.

I said, “Daddy…?” No response.

I stood next to Rob, panting, and repeated myself again, “Daddy??” No response.

I screamed frantically, “Daddy!?” He groaned. I held Robbie. He was shaking.

The neighbor woman across from where we were standing walked out of her house, but ran across the street towards us. I was speechless. The neighbors who had been outside enjoying the day with their kids jogged up the street to us. Troy, who was a cop, grabbed me. He told me not to move my dad. I was hysterical. Troy’s wife, Amy, put her hand on my shoulder and covered her mouth with her other hand. Troy leaned down to my dad and told him not to move. I sincerely thought he was dead.

“Where’s Robbie?” My dad lifted his head.

A truly horrifying sight: I rarely saw my dad without glasses, and never had I ever seen him with different shades of red dripping from and sinking deeply into the wrinkles on his face.

Troy repeated himself sternly but calmly, “Don’t move, Tim.” I can’t remember thinking at this point in the story. I was really trying to wake up and end this first nightmare I’d ever had of a dream.

My dad proceeded to put his hands next to his head and try to push his body up. When he didn’t succeed in his attempt, he grew furious, “WHERE IS ROBBIE?!” Troy held my dad down. He was truly fulfilling his duties as an officer of the law. “Robbie is fine, Tim, he is over there with my wife. Rob can you come here and tell your dad you’re ok?”

My dad hadn’t stopped talking the entire time, “All’s I want to know is if Robbie is okay. Where is he? Where is Robbie?”

Rob was next to me, on the other side of Miss Amy. He stepped down from the sidewalk onto the street as Troy had suggested. He was breathing quickly, and his arms were crossed.

“Are you okay, Daddy?” Rob wasn’t that close. The blood intimidated him, I think.

“Rob? Are you OK? His face was in the direction of Robbie, but I know he couldn’t see him, “Yes, you are okay?”

“My arm… what the fuck… I can’t move it… this is bullshit… what the fuck happened to my fucking arm?!” My dad was trying to get up again. “Tim, the ambulances are on their way, they’ll help you up. Please stay still for now.” Troy was trying so hard. He motioned to Amy and she told Robbie to step back.

In an instant, the ambulance sirens were heard from down the other side of Colonial Drive. It’s a wonderful thing that they came to us that way, for if they would have come from down he street, they would have run over two dirt bikes and one helmet.

They parked very close to my dad and I could feel the scene actually hit me the second the people from the ambulance jumped out and took all their stuff out to check him. They didn’t acknowledge anyone but my dad and Troy. Troy informed them of his status as a police officer. It gave him entitlement. My dad said, “I can’t move my fucking arm,” and they asked him if “this hurt” as they lifted one of his arms. He yelled, “YES THAT FUCKING HURTS I JUST TOLD YOU IT HURT, YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS.”

They brought out a stretcher and placed him on it. Quickly, they wheeled him to the back o f the ambulance and stored him in it. I asked him if he was ok when they opened the door.

He said, “I’ll be OK Connie. I just wanted to know if Rob was ok,” I wiped my eyes.

My mom’s jeep drove up right after they closed the doors. The acted surprisingly casual, walked up to me, asked, “What happened?” and when I did not answer (nor did Rob), I asked the ambulance medics. I heard her say, “I’m his wife”, and she told me “I’m going with him, watch Robbie and take care of him, ok?”
I nodded as I watched my mom trough the window of the closed ambulance doors. I wiped my eyes again, and took a heavy breath. Amy rubbed my back with the hand she had on my shoulder. I looked at Rob and he looked at me.

I was only 15, but I had become his mother. He was only 9, but he had become my son, my responsibility. I told him “He will be fine Robbie. Don’t even worry about it, ok?” He frowned and wiped his eyes. He nodded and I nodded back.

Somehow, what I told him gave him an enormous amount of closure. He started walking down the street, back to our house, with Seth at his side. They were talking about something unrelated to the incident that had just unfolded.
Miss Kristen offered her house as a safe-haven for us, “just in case,” for us to collect ourselves. I said thank you and accepted her offer. I had forgotten they already had a group of devout born-again Christians staying there that night.

Robbie and I walked to the house with my, then, best friend Ashley. She is Kristen’s daughter. Ashley was completely horrified for Robbie and me. She looked shocked. She talked fast and her eyes got bigger as she spoke, “Well… do you want anything to drink?” She opened to door and held it open for me, “We were about to make ice cream Sundays, since it is Sunday, but you don’t have to have one… I mean, if you don’t want one…” Her mom interrupted her from the basement, “Connie, I’ll just make you one, ok? Nuts or no nuts?”

“Nuts, yes, please,” I whispered. Ashley nodded at her mom. “Do you want some water or something, just to drink?”

“I don’t like water, Ashley,” I smiled. I knew Ashley already knew that, but she was thinking about other things.

She smiled back. She did know that I drank Diet Pepsi religiously, but her family literally didn’t believe in drinking soda. Except for her dad, but that was a different case altogether because he was the father, the head of the household, the man.

“Ok, well we have milk…” I accepted the milk. Ashley told me I could go downstairs and watch the movie with them if I wanted. I walked down the stairs more slowly than I ever had throughout the 13 years I’d been using the stairs of their house. I felt nauseous.

“Here, Connie. You don’t have to eat it, but it might help. It tastes really good!” I grinned at her and though to myself, you’d have no idea if it tastes good. You are so skinny Miss Kirsten. I sat next to one of the devout Christians that were staying the night because it was the closest seat to me.

“So… what happened?” The mother of their family asked me. I stared at the maraschino cherry on the chocolate syrup n the vanilla ice cream in the perfect glass bowl. My mouth watered, but my stomach churned. I glanced at the TV and noticed Robbie sitting next to Jordan (Ashley’s second to youngest brother). I said, “I have no idea.” I didn’t want tot talk about it. I wanted to chok her for being so nosey. I didn’t know her name, but I did know they went to Africa one year to push their one-and-only-god-bearing-bible-thumping-ignorance onto anyone who wanted a free lecture. I learned it from a post card on Ashley’s refrigerator a week or so before. I wondered if it was still there.

“Oh, I see,” she stared at the TV, I poked my cherry with my finger, “I hope he is OK. We will pray for him,” I almost puked.

“May I have a spoon, please?” I shifted my weight. Kristen promptly got me a spoon. I thanked her.

She told the mother that I didn’t believe in god and that was a terrible thing to tell her.
“You don’t? Have you ever been saved? God loves you right now, even when things go this badly,” her large brown eyes fixated on me. I looked at her. They were sparkling with ignorance. I know she assumed I would accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior in this time of sheer heartache.

“I have, and if god doesn’t like me enough to stop things like this from happening, then I don’t want to be ‘saved’, thank you,” I looked towards the stairs. Ashley was coming with a green colored glass full to the top of milk.

Kristen said, “Your mom said she’d call when they got to the hospital, Connie.”

Thank god she changed the subject. I nodded and tried to chug the milk. Ashley sat next to me. I could feel her heartbeat through her thigh that was touching mine. The milk was too cold to chug.

The phone rang. Ashley sighed loudly, “I hope that’s Miss Erin.” “Me, too” the over-enlightened mother chimed in. I was curious as to how she knew my mom’s name, or if she was just guessing.

The phone had ringed twice before Ashley got to it.

“Hello? Yes. Ok. Connie, it’s your mom,” Ashley informed me as she held the phone out for me. I said, “Hello?” and my mom asked if I was on their phone down or up stairs. I said downstairs and she told me to go upstairs. She said she didn’t want anyone else to hear anything either her or I said.

I told Ashley I was going to take it upstairs. She jumped off the couch again and took the phone, promptly covering the bottom of the phone with her hand. I ran up the stairs and grabbed their only cordless phone.

My mom still sounded calm, “So Rob’s there too, right?”
“Yes.”

“Ok. Well your dad’s ok, so don’t worry about him, ok?”

“Uh…”

“There are so many people here. Oh, and the nurse thinks he was above the legal limit when he crashed. Did you see him drinking when you were in the garage?”

“No.”

“Alright. He told them he’d only had one beer, but I know when he’s lying.”

“Yeah.”

Ok, well don’t worry about him, ok? These people know what they’re doing here. You know, my first thought when I saw him laying there was ‘I am not cleaning that up!’ Ha! I’m such a mom, huh?”

“Uhh…”

“Well you go home and take Rob and go to bed, ok?”

“OK.”

“Goodnight, we’ll be home soon, I love you, sweetie,”

“I love you, too”

She hung up. I did not know what to think. Miss Kristen, Ashley, Mr. Mark (Ashley’s dad), and the father of that family were behind me in the kitchen.

“What’d she say?” Miss Kristen asked. I wouldn’t have answered if anyone else had asked.

“He was drunk, they think.” I was shocked because I had no idea he actually drank that much.

“Ohh,” Mr. Mark said.

I began to walk down to the door. Ashley followed me. I don’t know why.

“Robbie, we have to go home,” without hesitating he said, “OK” stood up, and we opened the door.

I had one foot outside when I heard, “Bye Connie and Robbie!” I turned around to say goodbye and thank them for their hospitality, but my thoughts were interrupted.

“We’ll be praying for you and your dad!”

Outraged, I had to force myself not to slam the Becker’s door.

a burdon anyone should bear.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:20:43 GMT

So friday night, my man and i went to a gay bar downtown. No really - a gay bar downtown. It was so fun, we got in for free because we got there at like 8pm. It was their 'pajama night' commemorating September 11th. HAHAHAAAAA.
jonathan and I didn't say too much, as he usually does not say too much anyway. His work friends are CRAZY. It's easy to see why they had so much fun in their little group class for ACS training.
Leaving was the best part.
The guy was actually taking money and stamping hands, and checking id's we think... but we got there early so he never checked ours. We did call ahead, well Jonathan did, and they said it's an 18+ bar. He insisted I sip on his jack and coke. It was very tasty. But I stuck with water and a shirly temple most of the night.
Upon leaving, I had to pull jonathan around the street cuz he was diconbobulated from not knowing where we were + alcohol and weed.
He was so so happy. He grabbed me before we got to my car and kissed me so sweetly. It was misty raining, and his hands were cold. He put them just so that they were on my butt and under my jeans. It felt wonderful and there were so many cars driving by. I felt like a queen. No pun intended. :D
On the drive home he stared at me for a while and talked to me about his friends and how happy he was that we went, because now they can know that we will hang out with them if they want. Although, we are pretty sure, that Mark, whom jonathan affectionately dubbed "sports boy", is gay because he is the one who invited everyone to the underground, and he was the one talking to all the fem, FEM guys running around.
Jonathan looked right at me, i could see in the corner of my eye, and he said "i love you connie" it was so so cute, even though he was so so buzzed. We came home and, naturally, he fell asleep almost immediately.
It was fine, because we always have the next day :]
Needless to say, we are arguing more and he has yelled at me twice , FINALLY!!!, and it is wonderful.
I can feel us growing closer and more together. He is so excited that Tuesday is our 4 month anniversary. He says it's a big deal. I think he's crazy.
Needless to ALSO say, we had a GREAT morning this morning, and he told me like 4 times that he loves me so much, and he really does. I believe every word of it. I told him I love him twice. :]
He is so wonderful. I feel sorry for Cece staying with Mikey. Jonathan said he would love to see a lecture by Nome Chomskey. we woke up watching him one day. It was a HEAVY trip lol. Jonathan downloaded us District 9, though to watch tonight so we'll watch that and NOT nome lol!!
I love him for him and I LOVE how he thinks i'm so perfect and would prefer we both be naked all day all the time.
:]
It's a wonderful way to live - having this intellectual spirit in a wonderful body of a man to come home to every day and night, and to have looking forward to seeing you after work, too. God I love him.
God I am still in love.
God thank god. :]]]]
<3<3<3
♥

Secrets.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:43:04 GMT

Just a thought, just a speculation.
Every day and night, all the pale angles
and blemishes but nothing new,
and nothing place.

True and pure,
easy and more than simple,
real and others completely forgotten.
It's easy to see why they were like this.

I agree and disagree.
I'm always right, but you're smarter than me.
Ying is perfect and her roots are growing out.
Yang is talented and holding on for the winter.

Hibernation is a definite possibility this year,
and it only took eighteen to prove.
Fish oils and Super B complex,
and a pill for unexpected possibilities.

You are an angel and I see right through you.
Exterior is nothing important, you handsome man.
"I love you and I can't imagine my life without you now,"
A perfect conclusion.

I don't have to hope, because I see that I can
mold it into how I want it.
I will never change you.
It is real and it is pure and it is easier
than falling asleep with you every night.

Our room, our car, our computer.
Such lovely words, such a perfect form in my eyes.
Lucky as I am that I am perfect in yours.
We live and breathe as one spirit.
I am in awe of you.
I am shocked I found you.
I will never let you go.
Don't worry.
I promise.
♥

Hey Jude, Imagine.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:48:53 GMT

:D
[this one's my favoriteee!].

soma :]

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 19:42:23 GMT

There are more of these, and better ones to come but I strongly advise you listen & watch :D

</div>

Oh my god...

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:16:15 GMT

Robbie is doing this again for the 7th day since school started. No cops again, but my mom freaked out and called him like 1700 names. Someone needs to beat some fucking sense into his stupid little fucking brain.
I've been up since 4am because I woke up with Jonathan. He cried at me, again, and I just about can't empathize. I'm totally over most of this. I can't fix Robbie. Only weed makes Jonathan happy. So what am I here for?
Just because I can't get out of this house on my own. I feel like a horrible person for making Jonathan get up and go to work because I feel selfish for it. He tells me I'm the only reason he goes. This is crazy.
I don't understand how people can think the way they do most of the time. With robbie - all of the fucking time. It makes me feel awful having to be the scary one - the real Father figure for Robbie. What the fuck is that? The older sister is the dad, and the dad is the big brother in my house. I feel helpless, worse than my mom. She has me to cry to, but I have no one. I have more important things going on in my fucking life than Robbie's stupid little ass. I have homework - lots of easy shit I've already fucking done even though no one fucking believes me. They all say ''this is not high school'' but I'm sorry, dear PIKES PEAK COMMUNITY COLLEGE, but Cheyenne Mountain High School trains us for real college. Not this retarded shit i've already learned.
I feel hopeless, stuck, and vulnerable. I cried so much this weekend, I can't even believe myself. I don't know why I'm crying so much. I try so hard to make everyone around me happy, or do the right thing, but it won't work. None of us can do the right thing it seems like. My dad won't try. I'm the only one using actual parenting techniques. I'm not his fucking mother. Or fucking father. But it doesn't fucking matter, because I still have to go to school in two hours. & come back home and make my man be thankful for coming up here. I cannot cry again. I have to be the strongest fucking person in the entire fucking house - all one fucking level, 3 tiny bedrooms of it.
I am hopelessly confused and depressed and I hope it goes away soon, because on top of all of that I am the luckiest, happiest, most in love person I have ever been and will ever be. FUCK.

Or maybe I'm just PMSing...
:/

Writer's Block: Tips for a Beautiful Body

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:54:14 GMT

What’s your best tip for a beautiful body?

Sponsored by Body by Victoria® from Victoria's Secret.

View 511 Answers

Finding that special, wonderful someone who loves and appreciates it exactly the way it is, and doesn't love you conditionally for it - a like spirit, a kind heart.
Good luck with that too, by the way....

I have a cold sore.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 14:51:01 GMT

& Jonathan gets them, so he's all afraid to kiss me!
... sadface.

Life sucks.
But it's all good.

jonathan's in this band, almost officially, called Pilgrimage.
He's the best guitarist, and he can sing amazingly while he plays, which the singer cannot do.
He's easily the most talented.
I got him to read that last LJ post.
He cried happy tears. He told me about how sweet it was in the morning.
He started his job today.
& I'm starting college today.
But first I'm riding to walmart for more cold sore ointment! D:
Ya'll best go to his gigs if you're 21+!
;D

LOW-EL!

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:38:07 GMT

It's like a time-line that i found on my grandma's computer. :]
ohhh boy it makes me laugh, smile, and loathe.
EHEHEHEHEHEH No really it just makes me smile.
good times back then, but now I'm really serious.
& it feels so, so good to be living in the future.
Especially since my man knows how to love me - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I mean, my mom always says "look at his faccceee, he's so in love with you, connie!"
She tells me her favorite is when he puts his head on me while shes talking to either one of us.
He is beyond in love, i think... & thank god I am, too!!!!
Goddd I can't wait to get homeeee!!!!!!
♥♥♥

Why are you doing this to me?

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 22:31:39 GMT

So everything is boring here.
I do, however, love my baaaby more than ever.
Especially the lovely things he says to me.
He really never gets boring or anything like that.
God, I am so in love.
Unbelievable, true, deep, and mad love.

I bought a phone, though. o.o;
It was 90-something dollars, and I bought about 30$ worth of shit for it so I could activate it.
It's a SWEET phone with a keyboard! I'm all into it.
I am sending pictures to my online album!
Here I am with a new little hair-do, even though I got it trimmed a LITTLE and curled like a mesican curls hair :D :::

& this is a GAY picture robbie took last time he was here, too HAHAHAHA:

Hey, God.

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 15:24:41 GMT

Well today shall be lovely. I will make sure of it, as I already kind-of did!
Or so I think that will help him today... making him feel like THE man.
I think so. I know last night did! My mom gave us money for Vodka.
He really didn't want to go, but I kind-of made him.
He shaved all close and was dressed so so so adorable.
And the guy carded him! He felt very happy, I know I could tell.
But this morning was amazing, and today will be, too!
Off to an interview for him in Garden of the Gods! :D
Wish us luck, fuckers!

Hm.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:21:17 GMT

Yesterday was really fun, after we went to the park.
Again, we cried. He told me it's a problem that I don't like to do the one thing he likes to do.
I cried a lot because I don't think it's a problem at all...
He said 'we always do stuff I want to do, today let's do what you like to do.'
So we went to fountain creek nature center.
He loved it, but I OF COURSE left my fucking phone there.
It sucked balls but I don't care.

We went out to lunch at that Italian Bistro, and had a wonderful time.
Lots and lots of fun. :]
The day went by really fast, and we drank and he smoked last night.
I decided, why the hell not, because he applied with a resume and cover letter to this job last night in a computer sales position.
Something he has experience with and can do easily.
It's exciting, and I'm almost positive it means he'll be working when I get back from Silver.
:]
Although I am beyond sad that I'll be gone for so long from my baaaby. :[
UUuuuuuuuuuuugh. It'll be like old times. Calling him every hour of the day...
Gay.
But we're making it through everything else.
I think we are simply fine. :]

untitled.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 18:26:20 GMT

Fuck...

Innocent Update:

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 16:07:30 GMT

Yesterday, Jonathan had a guy who wanted to buy all his xbox games as well as the simpsons game for 250$ and for us to mail them to Nigeria. To this address:
Name: Innocent Kevin F. Address:#26 Peter Okoye Street Uwani, City: Enugu,
State: Enugu State
Zip Code: 400001
Country: Nigeria.

It was very gay, and a complete scammer. But too bad we didn't get that money, anyway.
You can't outscam a scammer.

But today we are driving to Frisco, CO for a skateboard competition for Robbie and Sean.
it should be fun, except for that we are all sleeping in the same room. I'm just going to have to be very gross for a change, lol.
I'm leaving with my mom to Silver City on Thursday. It is going to be awful without my rock there with me, but he says I can call whenever because he will always have time for me.

but this is another secret and I emplore you to watch it and just listen.
♥ :

</div>

:]

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 14:53:20 GMT

i am home.
and so is jonathan.

we're pretty perfect, still.
even though fucking gabbie fucked me over the other night.
jonathan did make it better.
even though he tried everything, he knows me well enough to know what would make me better.
I love him and sooner or later [we're thinking september], we're going to get our own place.
:D

Writer's Block: Lights Out

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 21:20:13 GMT

All it takes is a blackout to realize how much we rely on electricity. What's your most memorable story from a power outage?

View 501 Answers

That definitely would be july 3rd. :]
Even though i kicked my man as he helped me take my shorts off. :[
Fail fail fail. But it was so so fun going to the beach so dark, and with his crazy friend.
And coming home and not having water to wash off, even though we took a bath anyway.
W
<3

But anyway...
I got a dress when we went to the mall in lake jackson just now!!
it was sweet! we ate lunch there, too!
and he bought me a massage from the chair LOWL.
So here's the dresss. :]

He told me its really cute on me and it is my style so we haddd to get it.
After we were leaving, i lost the flower from the tree that i picked, so jonathan was pulling another one off a different tree for me. He was trying to put it in my hair when a black lady walked by and said "awhhh! ya'll must've just met that's so cute! I wish my husband treated me that way!" we just smiled and walked by i said thanks and proceeded to tell jonathan how cute he is again. and he said that's just because im more like a girl than a dickish guy. And i said "exactly, because you didnt get the memo to be a dick. i missed the memo to be into dicky guys, too!"
it was good times.
Then cece was texting the entire time! She asked if my man likes water and jello. He told her he loves water, jello, and the chronic !
LOL He yelled @ her AHAHAHA. But yeah she's all throwing us a welcome home party. Jeff and Glen want to throw us a going away party.
I feel extremly confident about this move and our situation. :] He just doesn't because when I'm 21, legal alcohol consumption age, he'll be 31. So that's not my problem, and I don't think that's old at ALLLL. :]

ANDDD This is a secret too bbbuuuuttt listen !!!!! ::::

Post-ponment #3.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 14:28:38 GMT

We're staying until Wednesday. Leaving Thursday.
This is the last post-ponment. Jonathan is getting mentally set.
He told me this morning after I kissed him before he left to Jeff's to get his brakes fixed for the trip that I make him legitimately happy.
I told him that, I continued to tell him that. I told him that's all I want to do forever, before we even met.
And it's true. I love his smile, I love his laugh, I love everything about him. He tells me it works, too.
I love him. He told me immediately after I woke up today that he loves me. I can't believe how happy I am <3
I cry more than I yell and scream. I haven't even been mad enough at him to be actually mad.
I know it'll happen, but I know that since it hasn't happened yet, it'll be just fine when it does happen.

Libby called the other night and said she wants us to stay until Wednesday.
She has an eye-appointment, wants me to drive her to the appointment.
And then she wants to take me to get my hair dyed [or anything else I want!] and get pedicures and manicures.
And then get us lunch too! She said wednesday is going to be called the Connie Special Day.
I'm so excited, I loveeee Libby! Jonathan was obviously happy about the interaction we had yesterday, too.
My mom told me to make his mom like me, because that's another way to a man's heart.
Since food doesn't work quite well.
I'm sooso happy! And I can't wait to come home.
that's why I wake up in the morning, besides the fact that I remember how fucking great my man truly is.
And then I juust want to sleep until we leave... It's too fucking hot to do anything.

But! Today we're going to see Public Enemies!
At 11:45.
We're hopefully getting lunch after wards.
We got payed for the fireworks. 375 each.
We split it up, and I'm not reazlly sure how that's going to work with the apartement situation. Buut I do know Libby wants to help so badly with the apartement. So I'm ready. I think he's about 78% ready, so by monday he wouldn't be ready enough to leave either. Thank god Libby has a legitimate reason for us to stay a bit longer!
<3

Snuggler!

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:41:02 GMT

I called my mom yesterday. She said we have to suck it up and sleep in seperate rooms for at least two nights. She said "two's about as long as we can handle" LOLOLOL. She meant what you think that means. She's so FUNNY!! She LOVES Jonathan. Kept calling him 'my jonathan' and i said 'what are you talking about, he's mine!!'

Last night was beautiful. I was so happy that tears kept dripping and my eyes burned. It was amazing, and Jonathan kept hugging me and kissing me and making his cute noises and faces. My god I love him. I told him finally... i kept thinking it'd be so great to say it with all the fireworks, but he got really high and drank too much, so he got real shy again.
I told him when we went to bed, and he just said mhm i love you too but his tummy hurt. It made me sad because I can never leave him alone! but later he felt better and said "no i really love you too baby" and we went to bed without ANYTHING happening, fucking GRANDMA. uuuuuuuuuugh.

I called cece last night! She told me all about mikey and the girl. and the situation, and cried a bit but said ANYWAY!! :]
Poor ceceeee. I love her so much. She told me she loves me too. and then julia stole her phone and said she loves me too. AHAHAH. Hilarious!! They were all at vernon's house doing jello shots. I told julia not to get too drunk.

I miss cece. and she misses me too so when we get back ima hang out with her. it's a necessity!!

Jonathan went to go get some hours in. his dad payed him 40$ for the night the power went off the other day! thank god that means he has 650$ in cash right now. And we're getting 700 soon!!! and Tomahawk still owes him 80, and he's a reliable dude! That's for sure enough to get an apartement, not to keep it. his mom will help though. We're on our way you guuys, and he still still likes me enough to kiss me alllll the time even when he has to come back in his roomto get somethign he forgot. :] <3
Coming home soooooooooooooooon!!!

The Plan

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 00:34:12 GMT

I told my mom she should expect us around the 10th. So that means leave here the 9th, probably... next thursday.
I'm bringing my man home, and I can't even fucking wait to get back to where the weather is comfortable for habitation.
I miss my cece, I'm going to hang out with her and remind her that life is indeed truly, truly worth living and that there really truly are such things as real men out there that do treat women with unconditional love & respect. She'll find hers because she is so so worth it. [I'll probably call her right after I type this all ouut!]
And when we get to Silver city, my grandma told my mom that we can't sleep together. HAHAHAHA.
That's hilarious. My dad said he laughed when my grandma told my mom that, too. Fucking crazy hypocrites.
Jonathan said that he understands where she's coming from, but I don't. This is the same woman who hid hippies who'd burnt their draft cards in the 60s, grew weed in the 70s, married a genius musician in the 50s, and is basically a slut for any man who will pay her and tell her she is beautiful from the 90s+.
I mean come the FUCK on grandma. LOLOLOL.
whatever she'll get over it I know it when Jonathan sits down and plays that beautiful piano with that beautiful tallented brain of his. She can just suck on it and give us a couple hundred, early wedding present, and then she can feel better knowing we will be married. :]
But i'm not worried about money at all anymore. Jonathan had 605$ just now b4 he left. told me he's putting it all in the bank! I have 359 left in my account, and 90$ in his safe. We're getting payed 700$ fror SURE by sweet Jimmy, but possibly more if they make 50000 on firework sales. They made it to 45000 last year so heres hoping!!
Everything's lovely right now, and I am a petty little girl. I get mad at him over the fucking stupidest things, but either I realize 'wtf idiot, look at this wonderfuul human being who loves you exactly the way you are and so many people out there neveer even find this... get over it' or he makes it allllll better. He's so intellectually stimulating as well as physically stimulating and HILARIOUS. I love everything about him and i cant stop thinking that. Every inch of him even his feet and his little teeny acne craters. I love them they make him jonathan lane. and i love his hands they are so perfect, and gentle and sweet. and the way he kisses me is insane it makes me feel perfect, groggy, and light headed all together. and his cute little butt! which he refuses to believe, which is crazy. but i do love everything. He for some fuucking reason loves everything about me too. I can be exactly myself. I love it. I question it, but he questions me accepting everything about him, too.
Just one thing - he acts so distand and whipers a lot to himself when he is high. That bothers me because he allllways whispers 'itll be ok'. I'm figuring out why. and it makes me cry sometimes just bbecause i know he needs to reassure himself of that excessive amounts of times to believe it. I love him, and some day he'll realize itll be ok. Just so much change is happening right now for him that he thinks about it nonstop. I dfon't blame him. But I know he's happy about it under all of the doubt.
I put a bunch of boxes in my trunk, after he instructed me to do so, the other day from the fireworks stand. He wants to put dvds and books in them. He loooves movies and books. :D
He loves to be informed and he needs a wawa petal for his bday. Ima get it for him! He told me he doesnt need one for his bday but I said nope! we'll seeee. So he laughed and said i mean itd be nice... but nooot necessary. Im going to. :] I love the way it sounds, too.
And i cried today, how beautiful jonathan's voice is when he sings., he played lucky by radiohead for me this morning. [as well as that johnny cash song which makes me LOOOOLLLL cuz he sings it so rpetty until that 'i hang my head and cry' part he actually sings it EXACTLY as deep as johnny cash does HAHAHA] It was so beautiful i had to cry. and then i hugged him and looked him in the eyes and said "your voice is beautiful!!!" he just said awwwhhh thank you baby but he knows its true. he so has to. god he is so tallented. im gunna prove it to him sooooooooon!!

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