So we're talking about moving back, finally. It makes me very happy, and Jonathan can easily tell that I feel awfully home-sick.
It's a strange feeling, home-sickness, because I don't miss anything [except maybe the weather, and Cece's pretty face] in particular... but two nights ago I was feeling very strange. I keep blaming horomones because of these fucking birth control pills... they are hell for real.
We were having a really good night, we both had the night off. And then we did things [as my mom says] of a physical nature, and I was totally unsatisfied. So that only fueled my weird feeling, and I got even more depressed. He didn't know, because he felt fine and was exceptionally high like all the time. I got up and left twice without replying to the 'where are you going, baby?'s i kept hearing. I cooked myself half a bagel because I hadn't eaten all day except for the ice cream Jonathan had brought in for himself. He walked into the kitchen and said 'what are you doing? making food? you okay? I just came to check on you...' I just ignored him most of the time. and when I came back into our room i said ''you made yourself food all day... but you didn't make me anything...'' he felt so bad about it because he didn't mean to do that at all, and I do know that.
Then we watched the office episode where Pam and Jim almost go get married but then don't, and Jonathan kept hugging me tighter and closer. My jaw hurt so I kept slipping away. I still felt so bad. I got to a comfortable spot and I asked ''do you still think I am pretty?'' because for some stupid, odd reason, I really had convinced myself that he didn't think I was anymore. He said "of course I do sweetie" and then just waterfalls of tears fell out of my eyes. I remembered, in the back of my mind, that Jeopardy question about that Leann Womack song... the  I hope you dance song... they played it at Erik's funeral. So I told him that as best I could over that weird voice you get when you cry. And then I started talking about Danielle. And how she saved me through the funeral. And how her and I have that bond over Erik. And I could NOT stop crying. I lost my breathe, managed to get out a "I wonder if she's still mad at me" Jonathan said "probably" which made me cry even harder because I know she'll stay mad at me as long as Patrick has any kind of harsh feelings towards me which is no telling how long those ever are. I remember saying that Danielle hugged me everytime I started to cry at the funeral. I remember seeing the slideshows, and Caryn with all her tissues. I remeber the casket was black and it was a huge contrast from little Erik's skin. I didn't tell Jonathan that part. There's no way I could have said that. I kept crying. I said "Danielle and I were the first ones out the door behind the casket." Because we really were. Holding hands so tightly that our hands were the same color as Erik's skin, but we were already numb. Her eyes were so pretty, her eyeliner was dripping. I could not stop crying.
I told Jonathan, who had been just holding me and saying nothing but instead breathing slower and slower, "I'm sorry..." He woke up a little and said "No i'm sorry sweetie, dont be sorry, i'm dozing off over here.'' I didn't blame him. I knew he had to be at work at 9 the next day. I felt like such a bitch for keeping him awake since he hates that job, this place, those people, working in that hot hot hot hot  kitchen, and he's basically just doing it for me anyway. I started crying again. I didn't stop. He whispered "It's ok..... it'll be ok." I whispered back "No it's not." got up and went to the bathroom. I cried harder in the bathroom, blew my nose about 16 times, and came back into our room. He'd turned off the TV and was facing the right way on the bed then, on his back, so still awake. I sat down and lay next to him. But continued to cry. He rolled over, back towards me, and I couldn't help but continue to touch him. I started crying again, and sniffing all loudly and felt bad again. I wanted to tell him so many things. They all were in my thoughts, floating around. All I could manage to say was 'you are wonderful,' to which he said you too, which meant he was hella asleep. I smiled and he took my hand around him.
I pulled back after like 3 minutes and got up and went to the bathroom again. That's when I cried the hardest. I kept saying to myself in my head "I miss erik. I miss erik. I miss little erik. I miss erik. I miss erik mittler. adolf mittler. erik mittler. I miss him so much. I will never see him again." I kept thinking that until I could think it without inhaling and dripping tears. I came back into the room and my nose was still plugged so I blew it in here too [with the tissues I told my man we needed to buy ;D]. He didn't stir at all so I was cautious while getting back into bed.
Then all the lights began to bug me, and the computer [this laptop's] buzzing on noise... but in the morning everything was fine and Jonathan said it was funny how all the lights were annoying me so much last ngiht. He stayed too long that morning, got called by the guy he was supposed to be working with, and was basically just staying because he always is so, so, so happy to see me in the morning in his bed in his room. He thinks i'm most beautiful right in the morning when I wake up, and in the shower/tub with my makeup dripping off my face. :]
And he tells me everyday that I look skinnier. HAHAHA. The other day he said ''you are so skinny, baby'' after he kissed my tummy like 5 times. I said ''you are CRAZY. this is fat'' and i pulled fat off my stomach. He gave me a funny look like 'wtf? WRONG' and  he said "Where?" and I said "EVERYwhere!!" He laughed so hard. I love him. I love him with all of my heart, we are a lot like soulmates, he accepts EVERY INCH of my body, he loves everything about me. I can't believe how fucking lucky as hell I got with this man. Not boy. lowl. I love him. I love him to death. I'm bringing him home with me. Yesterday he said "We can go home soon, don't worry"
<3