Gosh I am giddy. :]

Today was one of the worst days I have had in a long, long time. I haven't cried about him since the summertime.
There was a boy who commit suicide at Mesa last night. I got word of this today, while I was in my car during 3rd period, trying to fix my necklace. I needed something to open the metal piece besides my nails. I opened the compartment in my dashboard, and moved some Manuals around and I saw this CD case. It was a strange thing to see inside that thing.
I took it out and I immediatly remembered it was two CDs of Erik. They said "Erik Mittler CD 1" and "Erik Mittler CD 2" in what will always look like his very own handwriting to me. I was a bit shocked, but not horrified. Then Patrick texted me and told me about the boy.
It didn't hit me right away. It didn't hit me when I told my mom after I ate lunch at home. It didn't hit me when I told Cece before the last period of the day.

When I got home and sat down in front of my computer, Kayde told me his name.
That is when it hit me. Like a pissed the fuck off fist. My eyes were triggered.

I empathised with them. Every single one of them. His friends.
The ones who were so close to him, but hadn't talked to him in a week, because there wasn't much going on.
The one who I know made plans with him for Spring Break.
The ones who were waiting for him to call next weekend.
I hurt so bad for them. I can't describe the amount of empathy that is inside of my heart for those kids.
I kind-of believe Erik wants me to talk to them. Either that, or Erik wants me to know that I have to cry like that at least once in a while to feel whole again.

It felt so good to release all of that. I cried so hard that I fell over. I was fucking breathing so hard that I could not catch my breath. Tears were waterfalling down my cheeks. I kept looking at the print out picture of Erik that is on my bulletin board and crying harder. My abs hurt me from trying to catch my breath. I put the CDs in my CD drive, and it said I already had them on my hard drive. I copied them anyway.
Erik's face made me cry the most. I miss it moving. I miss seeing him talk. I miss his mouth. I miss his braces. I miss his teeth. I miss his pores. I miss his eyes. I miss the wrinkles they made when he laughed. I miss his nose. I miss his big mouth. I miss his voice. I miss his eyebrows. I miss his eyelashes. I miss the hair that'd fall off his head and stick to his eyelashes. I miss the faces. I miss them all.
I completely broke down. No one was home. It was a perfect time to cry.
Erik was here. He told me it was ok, and to let it out. He told me it is gay that I don't cry as much. He told me he's proud of me. He told me he is happy for me. He told me he likes taylor. He told me he likes the fact taht Taylor quit all those crazy drugs, and only sticks to weed and being an alcoholic. He told me weed is bombbb. He told me he could fight taylor, and run faster to get away quicker. He told me he likes my hair. He told me he believes in my grades. He told me I will be what I want to be. He told me I can get what I want. I told him I want him to come back. And he told me he is already. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me. I wanted to hug him.

I took a deeeep breath when I got stopped at the stoplight of Tejon and Brookside. I was completely centered at that moment.
I had somewhere to go - Patrick's house - and I had someone looking out for me - Erik.
I told Kayde Erik would meet that boy and learn him and tell him it'd be ok and not to worry.
I know he would do that for a fellow classmate; that's how he is. :]

When I turned left on that street 7/11 is on in Fountain, I glanced at it. I don't know why, I remember seeing Erik skate there, but I was delerious and wanted to see him skating again. No one at all was there. I broke down again. Tears just wouldn't stop falling. I got to the stoplight to turn left, and I breathed again. I remembered. I wanted to never forget. And I hadn't.

Patrick was nice. Patrick is always nice to me now. I miss him a lot, because of how nice he is to me now. He hugged me and I needed it. I really needed it. It solved a lot of problems for me.
When I was there, Danielle texted me and only said "Connie". I replied "Danielle!". She asked me what I was doing and I told her we had to hang out. She told me definitely, but we have to see Erik's family soon because she misses them. I want to see Caryn. She gives perfect hugs, and she is so damn funny. I hope Erik comes with us!

Danielle was amazing. I told her everything. She said she's happy for me. She told me everything. I laughed and told her it doesn't matter because it's in Pueblo. I love her. I love that girl to death. She makes me wish I was her age and with her every day. I would live with her. I would give for her. I would die for her. Danielle Grahm. <3

We talked about our boys. Hers are lining up. Mine was texting me.
He told me we have to hang out a bunch before he leaves on the 30.
I bet that means he likes me. At least enough to see me a lot.
I told him Cece wanted me to stay over on Tuesday night.
He said "Ok well". Confused out of my mind, and Danielle unable to decipher, I said "Haha! Busy Tuesday?"
He said "No come ofer" which was over. I said "Ok :)"
He said "Ok." So I said "Alright :)"
and our conversation ended.

Until I was driving home with my phone yelling LOW BATTERY!, and I got a text stating "Well I might be going to a droge diller to get some stuff lots of stuff."
It made me laugh out loud. But I liked that he told me that. That means he wants to share with me. And that he wants me to know and have something to look forward to. I said "Haha! for meee? Haha no jk :) buying in bulk?"
He doesn't know what sarcastic texts are and said "No for all of us hopefuly I get a owns tomarrow and some other stuff like O:-)" It made me laugh so hard that I blushed. I knwo what it all means but the smiley face. o:-)
Unless it's really an angel, and I am blind as to the reason it is there. I like him a lot. I really do. I hope he likes me back. We'll see, though. Tuesday will tell. Tuesday will tell all.
And I'm thankful as hell that Erik decided to do this all to me today. And that I progressed from it rather than regressed. He is such a wonderful spirit. I love him dearly. I love him always. And I think about him everyday.
No day is worth living without knowing someone is caring about you unconditionally, and will always be there no matter how many times you try to forget what happened. ♥