I wonder what I would do if I got a text from someone with those words:
"I am completely alone."

I have realized something on this horrible trip of ours:
I truly do just fuck everything up. It is quite obvious to me that no one would care, either.
[except for my wonderful Danielle.
I could not, would not, do that to her.]

Robbie was trying to get me to come inside.
I was adamant about staying in my car.
It was so hot in this hotel room and
all I wanted to do was talk to him on the phone.
I ruined everything.
We'll probably see tomorrow, though.
If not, then the next day.
I hate feeling empty and sick.
Even though, I really should not.
I am a complicated human being.
I really, really annoy myself
and I wish I could get out of my head.

I sat in the fetal position after I 
assumed calling the house he called me on
had ruined anything, but I just wanted
to make sure he was okay...
His dad probably ruined it for me.
He shouldn't be there, anyway.
He deserves a second chance, though
and I know I will fuck that up, too.

I got colder and colder and started
to come to my senses.
My senses realized everyone that was
completely ignoring me.
I was crying for help
and no one was lifting a finger.
It was a horrific realization.
And I had already unbuttoned Erik's wristband from my wrist
so I literally had no one to look at me
and say, "Connie, everything will work out."
Because he even told me that nothing will work out
and nothing will be ok, and yesterday sucked so will tomorrow.

I can't make a difference in that.
That is how I feel -
Miserably inadequate.
I think that's why I like Taylor.
because he does not make me think that way.
especially since we are usually drunk and high
around one another.
But we'll see, yet again.
Tomorrow.
At least he talked to me...
Texted me back...
Tonight, anyway.
And it makes me smile
how he replied to "I'm going to bed"
texts with "Night girl" ones.

Even though that is just technology.
Which can get hopes up beyond reach.
I just can't stand it.

Anyway, I was in the fetal position, getting colder, so holding my knees closer.
I began to cry, and I was about to follow through with my terrible plans.
When my phone lit up, and Danielle asked "Where are you?"
It was surprising that she was the only one who replied to something like that.
It opened my eyes, and dried my left one. I was quite ecstatic, truly.
She is such a wonderful girl. Although she does think I can do better than Taylor.
Which is an awkwardly hilarious statement... since he's the only I've ever had.

She said something like "I wish I was there with you"
and it made me giggle with the side of my mouth...
because I felt her there with me. She really saved me
from a certain state of mind that would have fucked me up
for tomorrow night especially around Taylor.
I probably would have either cried or never made eye contact
or completely ignored him as I was ignored earlier tonight.

Cece texted me while I was in my car to inform me that she
told some other girl to go to her house tomorrow night, too.
That pissed me off and hurt me tremendously. She has
no idea, though. But when I asked her "what girl" she said
"ohhh i dont know" so I was even more hurt.
I automatically decided she hated me, and Taylor wouldn't
like me, if he did, anymore or ever. I jumped to that conclusion.
It is illogical, but I made the jump.

When Robbie came out to my car to tell me
to come back in, he threw trash in the car and left
my passenger side door open. I felt betrayed by him.
My mom was already asleep. There was no sort of emotion
from her to me. Neither good nor bad.
Remaining perfectly neutral.

I wanted to scream in my car.
I almost kicked it into neutral and rolled wherever it took me.
A bunch of Hispanic men walked around my car all at once.
I wished I had a controversial bumper sticker to them
and they shot me with every last bullet they had.
I imagined a hand cracking my driver's side window
and choking me with the glass surrounding my neck.
Digging deeper and deeper until it slit my artery.
I would gladly bleed to death.

Robbie's matches he got from the gas station
in Socorro were in the passenger's door.
I grabbed them and wondered how quickly a car would explode
if a match were placed in the gas tank.
I contemplated and decided against it. It was too easy.
I would gladly burn to death.

My heart is broken, and all my hope is depleted.
Why should I even try, I mean, really?
I want everyone to smile. I want all those good people,
whose lives have fucked them in the ass,
to get revenge on everything fucked up that's happened to them
and just be joyful and wonderful for at least when they know me...
but I realize how selfish that really is. I do.
I just wish, for once, I could be the reason someone is smiling.
I know that day will probably only come
after I am dead and gone
and that is honestly why I wanted to speed up the process.
At least if I were gone I couldn't fuck things up.
People would think of the good times when I was doing the opposite
for them and their situations.

Also, I feel extremely unworthy of any type
of life that I am living right now.
So many young people die a day... why should I be the one that survives?
That is beyond rhetorical but I wish I could know.
I wonder if there really is a reason for everything...
and I wonder if there really is such a thing as a third eye.

I think I've had too much time to think.
I am sure that's why I had that small break-down.
I'm grateful that Danielle saved me from my very own
selfish, stupid, immature desires.
She could not save me from all of them,
but she did save me from the bulk of them.

And then when I got out of the "bath"
[whatever you'd like to classify this stupid hotel bathroom]
Taylor texted me and I kind-of feel better because of it.
Danielle said she would read the long, long account of that night
so I emailed it to her. I do not expect her to actually read it.
She said she was starting not to like Taylor
because I said "taylor's texting me now so I'm kind-of excited
about it but I can't get my hopes up..."

Hopes are terrible things.
They ruin people's moods.
But they also make people very excited.
I think they should be more severe.
So people don't make the same mistake twice.

I think it'd be so funny if the signer of a band
hummed all the guitar parts along with the guitar
in live versions of songs. Quietly, but obviously.
It would be such a random thing to hear, don't you think?

I have been driving the entire way, to and from every city
during this road trip.
It is very fun, and I could drive for hours upon end
for a road trip.
But only if the other passengers sleep a lot, or
do not yell or criticize eachother about religion.

Oh, yes.
We had that conversation.
Robbie is so confused.
He will get there... he just needs to live life.

Now I feel very excited.
Because I know Taylor's down
for at least having me over there...
my fat, waste-of-space self.
And I remembered Cece did email me back when we were in Silver City.
She called me love, and said she adored me.
She told me to tell allllllllllllll of my family helloooo for her.
I know she doesn't not like me.
I just over-reacted, and her texts are a bit emotionless.
But I don't blame her, they are only technology.

I get too paranoid about friends, and people's thoughts.
I need to stop trying, and over-acting, or under-acting.
My mom is snoring loudly again.
Robbie is on the bed closest to me, and my mom is on the other one.
I don't understand where I'm supposed to sleep.
I should just go out to my car.
I love my car.
He got very hurt on the trip, but I plan on making it up to him.
After we get back from Cece's, of course.
The same kind of terrain, but at least it is familiar.
I am starting to get a feel for what I should name him.
I am excited to have that connection finally with my vehicle.
It seems quite shallow, I understand.
But I don't care what you think about it, because
you don't understand what we have.


The starrrs.
You have to know about them.
In Woodland Park, they are beautiful.
A lot more beautiful than in the Springs.

In Silver City, New Mexico
you just must know
that they look exactly like they do
in pictures from satellites taking pictures of the universe.
Do you know how the galaxies look so shimmery and bunched together?...
They look that way out there. Everything is pitch black.
there is nothing to disrupt your view of the entire universe.
It is mind-boggling, to me at least, especially considering
the fucking thinking out of my way I have been doing lately.
And I cannot stop.
The stars convinced me that it would eventually be alright.
Especially when I die.
I want to mix with the galaxies. They look so tender and soft.
The stars were twinkling, but I didn't see any shooting stars.
I'm still hoping to see at least one, since Taylor saw one that night.
I want to escape on one. Just like Kirby does.
It does sincerely make you see. Forces you to see.
There are such bigger things out there in this country, world, universe
than what you are crying to yourself over.
I wish I could see stars from Albuquerque.  
I tried when I was in my car, but I could not see any but the one that never stops twinkling.
I wonder if that is Erik, because I seem to be the only one who sees it.
I wonder if Aaron has found Erik yet.

I told Danielle I wished Erik were around right now
so he could laugh at me for caring so much.
She said "I'm sorry :( I wish erik were here, too"
I love Danielle and I hope I never lose her.
We've come close, but we always gravitate back towards one another.
I am grateful for that, too.

Just as grateful that I didn't kill my family
while we were driving through those mountains.
That's the first time I've used first and second gear in my new car.
The funny thing is that my mom began to talk about driving a stick shift instead of an automatic through those mountains.
And that made me think very non-stop of Taylor.
I feel obsessed, but I know I'm not.
He isn't causing problems and making me want to give up.
He makes me laugh and smile. And question things he says.
And I don't understand why I'm wasting time on someone who
thinks everything will not work out and nothing will actually happen...
Except I do know, because he makes me laugh so much, too.
And he also thinks I'm so wonderful... and told me he's obsessed with me too.
That's probably why he is so apprehensive and pessimistic.
I would be scared if I were him, too. That poor boy has been through so much shit.
Wonderful people being fucked in the ass.
I guess it never ends......

But I guess I'm done ranting in poem-y format.
My mom is still fucking snoring.
But tomorrow night no one will be snoring.
I'm looking forward to that.
But I hope I don't sleep where I normally do.
And I'll leave it at that.