I have had about three dreams about/with Erik in them for three days in a row.
I can't stop fucking thinking about that kid.
Today in my planner I went to my birthday [January 7th] and put 18 in red pen on the top line.
I went to Erik's birthday right after that [January 5th] and put 17 in red pen on the top line.

It's like I'm crazy.

I can see him, I know he's not really there.
I can smell him, I know he's not really there.
I can hear him, but I know he's not really there.
And I can't stop.
It keeps happening every single day.
Especially when I'm around people, because most of the loud boys at Cheyenne act like Erik, and I wonder if he would still act like that in highschool, like his senior year, like they are.
It's so painful. I get so close to crying everyday.
Mr. Lawson said, "I think people know when it's their time to die. Like my Grandma knew when she was going ot die, I think, but she held out longer until my family and I came to say goodbye to her."
I don't think so. I would love to think that but I don't have proof of that.
When he said that I just stared straight at the ground and spun erik's wristband that's on my arm around and around until I sucked the tears back into my eyes.
I can't believe Caryn is taking down his room. It's only been two years. That one grief counceler said it would take about 10 years for us to be able to think about him without crying. I thought I was ahead of that, because I didn't cry when I talked about him... in fact I can even laugh about him without crying...
But that dream where I woke up crying really scared me. I keep thinking I can wake up dead one of these days for no reason. And the only way I would know is because he would be standing there talking breathing reaching embracing.
It's so hard.
So, so hard.
The Power of Myth book tells me that to have a "healthy soul" one must contemplate and be okay with death everyday. I do that everyday, but I don't know if it's so "healthy" to be excited to die and see Erik again. I mean, he's not even blood.
I should be excited to see my intelectual grandfather who I would probably be so close to right now if he was still alive. My mom probably is excited to see him.
I am so glad my daddy didn't die when I saw him on the pavement. I shouldn't have written about that for my college essay.
My mind sees that picture every day now. Especially when people talk about the election.
Healthcare. If we would have had it when my daddy crashed, he would probably be completely fine right now. His arm doesn't work and when he gets angry, he raises his arms, but one of them only goes half way up, and he has to hold it to move it around.
It's awful.
I miss Erik.
I want Obama to win.
And I want my daddy to be better.

Two of those things won't ever happen.
But one of them has to... or I will truly be dead inside.
Completely and absolutely stone cold dead.
Might as well be with Erik... wherever he happens to be.